Twelve Things About Shelby Fero

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You know who’s funny? Shelby Fero. Here are some of her tweets.

You can find more Shelbyisms on twitter and here on tumblr.

-Rob

She’s Just Your Typical Seventeen-Year-Old Kid

The HARDEST part about being a teenager? Probably having to sigh a second time when the first was too quiet.
Oh man I hate doing the dishes! Now back to my own room to sit on my queen size bed and watch tv on my personal computer.
Since all three of my sibling’s birthdays are in October, each year we get together and buy my mom’s vagina something nice.
They say smoking marijuana damages your short term memories are pretty cool, right?
My childhood ended the first time my iPhone corrected “gelato” to “fellatio.”

She Does The Usual Teenager Work

There should be some sort of Nobel prize for dads who aren’t creepy towards babysitters.
This baby just put her spit covered hand in my mouth, which was interesting, because I didn’t know a biological clock could actually stop.
Any sort of Student Work program to fuck 1980’s Scott Baio?

She Is Always Working To Improve Herself

I’m trying to be more gracious about things, like saying “Thanks” when someone is nice or “Sorry” when I hit a child with my car.
I’ve been using whitening strips for weeks but I still hate golf.
Felt confident so I tried to do a pull up and now I’m back to normal.
Very good Satan, you almost had me fooled with those “gyms” of yours.
Moved to get out of bed and pulled a muscle. Point taken.
Thought about eating an apple for dessert and now I’m hurt and confused.
I’m angry at someone but I want to handle it like an adult. So instead of working it out I’ll just drink and ignore my wife.

Her Sleep Schedule Could Use A Little Work

I just don’t want to look back and think, “I could’ve napped there.”
Sometimes I’m angry but mostly just sleepy.
Sometimes when I think I’ve been mean to someone I kind of feel like throwing up but mostly I feel like naps.
“This is probably a good time to reflect on every mistake I’ve ever made” - 3am
I’ve effectively replaced sleep with coffee and anger.
“The sooner you sleep, the sooner you can tweet again!” Shelby cooed softly before sobbing into her pillow.
Getting out of bed in the morning would be a lot easier if the rest of the world was covered in beds.

She Is Judgemental

I love when people tell me they’re spiritual so I don’t waste any time and get straight to hating them.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t yell “WHOOO LOOK AT ME” then press their junk up against the wall.
Shaping the next generation would be a lot easier if they weren’t so squishy.
If you listen real close to a Taylor Swift song, you can actually hear Susan B. Anthony crying!
Once I stepped on a lizard and its stomach came out of its mouth and Outsourced is still the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Steve Jobs please stop having cancer so I can blame you for everything again.
Don’t worry idiots, there’s always knuckle piercing.
When will Martin Lawrence learn he can’t just put a wig and skirt on every problem.
You know what the best sound in the world is? Anything that is not drunk girls.
“Yeah bro, it’s a Scandinavian brew,” said a Chip or Chet or Derek in front of me in line at Starbucks this morning.
Can’t decide if people with all their own paintballing gear are cool, or have sex with dirty people regularly.
I bet every Jewish girl thinks she could be the one to change Hitler.
I will never love anything as much as white people love shows about cupcakes.
I just told this kid he could beat his cancer AND HE TOTALLY BELIEVED ME LIKE AN IDIOT!

She Is Observant

Just saw an Asian woman drinking straight black coffee. They’re growing stronger.
It must be hard to live in Japan with all the robots and Godzillas and stereotypes from other cultures.
There’s a definite dichotomy between college students who know what that means and ones who don’t but use it constantly anyways.

She Is Smooth

Anytime I accidentally walk into the men’s restroom I feel compelled to nonchalantly use the urinal, so no one thinks I’m stupid.
Whenever I walk away from a container with the lid halfway on, but then stop and screw it on all the way, I’m kind of like Jesus.
The lack of cleavage in my avatar pic shows I’m a classy lady, with high morals and also super small tits.
This girl I knew once tried to fit into the cabinets under her sink. And by “girl” I mean me and by “once” I mean could someone call 911?
So today I actually put down a sandwich and picked it back up without it falling apart completely. That was pretty cool.
Didn’t do laundry before the power went out and now I’m googling “pants alternatives” on my iPhone.
Whenever I hear people speaking a different language than me I always make sure to ask what it is before throwing things and yelling AMERICA
I’m the Michael Jordan of retail employees asking me if everything’s all right in there.

She Has Some Ideas About The Dating Scene…

If a guy treats me badly I’ll ONLY date him at least a hundred more times to be sure.
The best aphrodisiac is not pointing out that I’m singing the lyrics wrong.
Girls, he’s lying! He’s never read Virginia Woolf and doesn’t care about the poem you wrote about getting your first period!
Lots of velour is a great way to warn someone that the night is about to get super rape-y.

…But Mysteriously, She’s Still Single

I straightened my hair this morning if anyone needs a model or wife or whatever.
My ringworm is almost 100% cleared up if any of you want to snuggle or whatever.
I did my own makeup this morning if anyone needs a clown for something.
I just pulled a hair out of my chin, if any of you fellas were having a hard time getting turned on tonight.
I know what my own earwax smells like if you’re wondering why I’m single.

She Gets Starstruck

You Probably Shouldn’t Go To A Restaurant With Her

Let’s see what this sneeze guard can do against AIDs
The worst moment of any dinner is when I fully remember what calamari is.
Whenever I eat vegan I make sure to kill an animal anyways so they don’t get any ideas.

She Was Born For This Shit

If you ask me, all one night stands are BYE sexual! What’s that?!? you all want to hire me to write for you!
I knew a whale once but life got to be too much and he krilled himself. What’s that you’re saying? FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD?!!?!
Jim Crow laws are so stupid, it’s almost as if they were written by REAL crows! What’s that? A Nobel prize in comedy?!
Thanks for not unfollowing me through all this. Don’t know if I still know how to tweet. You can’t tuna fish! Heh, still got it.

Ransacked Ostrich Nostril