Eight Things You Should Know About biorhythmist

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Matt “@biorhythmist” Watson is one of the best on twitter. Here are eight things you should know about him.

He Should Be A Motivational Speaker

I stare at this drawer full of restaurant flyers and still can’t decide between Chinese take-out and crippling alcoholism.
I just wrote “HELP” on my chest in cheeto dust. I would like to get off the couch at some point today
The corner store started carrying Ben & Jerry’s Crème Brûlée ice cream so if anybody needs me I’ll be fat.
Narcolepsy combines my love of naps wi
You never really plan on poop-crying, it just sort of happens.

He Is Open About Himself

Gosh darn it am I terrible at blasphemy.
I gave up racist Asian stereotype landlord jokes for Lent.
I miss my mom. Mostly because I feel silly clapping all by myself when I make a good poop.

He Is A Student Of Life

Today I learned that a mom with a nice ass pushing a stroller is called a “nanny.”
These babies are not very absorbent.
These so-called blues singers sure do like to talk about how much intercourse they’re having.
I don’t think the French make lemonade from real mons.
Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel.
Expect the unexPTERODACTYL DANCE TROUPE

Sometimes Unusual Things Happen In His Pants

It turns out that being in the blind spot of a bus that is changing lanes on the freeway is the best way to get poop right into your pants.
Yoga for me is a constant struggle between embarrassing tumescence and flatulent narcolepsy.
Okay, fine. I’m never shaving it again. Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

He Is Not So Smooth With The Ladies

Reading up on feminism so this chick will let me put my dude piston in her ham wallet.
What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all “kind of busy” or “what is your problem” or “this is a pottery class, sir.”
When life hands you melons, it could be dyslexia or yes of course your eyes are up there I’m sorry what was I saying
Just watched an older lady DESTROY a pub cheeseburger. I may need to adjust the upper bound on my match.com searches.

He Does The Nerd Thing Very Well

Does this this pointer make me look Bjarne Stroustrupy?
Ke$ha had to change her name to Ke\$ha after a tragic shell script accident.
See, I named my new color inkjet Seurat because he died after being thrown out a window when his goddamn fucking drivers wouldn’t install.

He Is Free With His Opinions

They should just draw a fart on the car A/C “recirculate” button.
Wet naps, people! When you eat a bunch of chicken wings it doesn’t have to look like you just delivered a baby calf.
Eating Ethiopian food just seems kind of mean.
Man, some of you people give out more stars in a day than my third grade teacher Mrs. Nussbaum handed out during the entire Holocaust.

He Tends To Get Himself Into Trouble

Can someone explain to me how to rinse out a measuring spoon without it splashing all over my shirt also math
Either this girl just said her name was “Goulash” or one of us is having a stroke.
Turns out that “Deepak Chopra” is a really bad safeword so that’s why I’m walking like a cowboy.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I prefer peeing sitting down. Everybody else in this meeting seems to have a problem with it though.
At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a “flavor-saver” so I made a your mom joke and that’s how grandma got the ambulance ride.
Man, that pony did *not* want to be wrapped.

Ransacked Ostrich Nostril