Ransacked Ostrich Nostril

16th February 2011

Post with 11 notes

Tootbatch: Soup Of The Year

Hey kids,

More silliness from twitter.  Enjoy.

Oh, and be forewarned:  Herein lies filth.

-Rob

Creepy Love

markleggett: When women see me for the first time, they often ask “Hey, what’s your secret?”, and I always reply “I spiked your drink about an hour ago.”

aedison: If I’m such a “stalker”, then how come I’m killing all your housepets and using their blood to write love letters on your walls?

STACEYNIGHTMARE: I like to ruin everyone else’s Valentine’s Day by taking a funeral urn to dinner and buying it “the best steak on the menu”.

robdelaney: My van says “BONE ZONE” on it because I’m a paleontologist. And I fuck women in it.

Nerdy Love

BettyLies: Maybe this will be the night my husband takes me on the dining room table after sweeping all the Lego off with one hand.

awryone: I want a simultaneous nerdgasm but I always prematurely dorkulate.

Animal Love

bridger_w: I like Gila monsters because they’re willing to admit they’re monsters, unlike giraffes.

fleshcake: I’m so thirsty I could drink a blended up horse.

yesquite: This squirrel is looking at me like he knows I love Steely Dan and thus rejects my taste. No wait, it’s me. He rejects me as a person.

ShittingtonUK: I’m not homophobic, but I think I’d be really grossed out if sparrows had huge cocks.

Workin’ Nine To Five

biorhythmist: Just ran through the office and explained the Doppler effect with my butt.

liveactionfloyd: Apparently when your boss asks you what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day you’re not supposed to say “menstruating”.

bubblebathos: I may work as a party promoter, but my REAL passion is dying alone

liveactionfloyd: Nothing says Monday morning like cleaning the vodka out of my travel mug so I can put coffee in it.

RexHuppke: Tonight I’m going to watch TV like every other night but later because it’s not a work night.  Isn’t that a Loverboy lyric?.

Making Friends Is Hard

shelbyfero: My ringworm is almost 100% cleared up if any of you want to snuggle or whatever.

joseph_ocon: Nobody at this playground wants a sponge bath and they’re all being really rude about it.

fleshcake: No one that wears leather pants is someone’s emergency contact.

Breaking Into The Music Biz

KaseyAnderson: In honor of the Grammys, I just poured tepid water over a bowl of olive pits and dubbed it “Soup of the Year.”

robdelaney: If any of you know the Dixie Chicks or the Gypsy Kings, my band the Flicksy Clits would love to open for either of them.

Losing My Religion and/or Finding God

RexHuppke: I feel guilty dropping my son at Sunday school then skipping church.  Mmmm, this coffee’s good.  What were we talking about?

sbellelauren: burned finger on the oven. wrapped finger in cold deli meat. finger completely healed. CONCLUSION: MEAT IS JESUS.

The Pitter-Patter Of Little Feet

shelbyfero: I guess my greatest fear would be having twins and giving the hot, dumb one a smart name and the smart, ugly one a hot name.

sucittaM: Yeah, I can babysit your kid. I’ll babysit the fuck outta your kid. What? Nevermind? Ok.”

BettyLies: The nice thing about being a mom is I can come up with a semi-plausible excuse for having a Han Solo minifigure up my butt.

Staying Healthy

shelbyfero: Very good Satan, you almost had me fooled with those “gyms” of yours.

yoyoha: I check myself for testicular cancer every day. Sort of.