Fourteen Things About Rob Delaney

15th February 2011

Post with 161 notes

Fourteen Things About Rob Delaney

Gentlefolk,

I’ve been following Rob Delaney on twitter for a couple years now and my geeky little faves-collector script has amassed a frightening amount of his tweets. So much happy filth, in fact, that I thought I needed to do something with it all.

And with that, here are fourteen things you should know about Rob Delaney. Enjoy. Or cringe, or whatever.

-Rob

ps: He’s also got a youtube channel.

He Has A Gift For International Diplomacy

I’d rather get hit by a car than hear a German guy have an orgasm.
If Obama won’t acknowledge the Armenian genocide, he could at least say a few words about the plight of their hairiness.
I get super sad when I think of Jewish baby boys getting their cute foreskins snipped & their lil’ horns filed off. Ouch!
When I insult someone, I make sure to mention their race so they know that while I’m angry w/ them, I respect their culture.
There are 60 cities in China with populations over 1 million. SIXTY. All they do is fuck.
Ethnic cleansing gets a bad name. I love nothing more than giving an exotic woman of color a thorough scrubdown.
In Arabic, the word “Burqa” literally translates to “portable Dutch oven.”
In certain Eastern cultures, it’s considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone’s home.

He Has Some Body Issues

Something is wrong with one of my penises.
I’m generally “at peace” with my body, even the horrible parts. But in a few years I’ll probably get a sack lift.
Put on some old jeans this morning & now I’m inadvertently serving up hot hairy beef muffintop to the neighborhood.

He Likes It Sturdy

“You’re cute, but call me when you’re 18*.” (*pounds heavier; I like it sturdy)”
I’d never finish a book on the iPad because I’d always be pushing the button that lets me watch a chubby woman take a bath.
If you built a website out of just my browser history, it would be called www.chubbygirltakingabath.com

He Is Smelly

I just did a fart so horrible that Hitler would have picked up a gypsy child & covered its nose with a hanky.
Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say “Top that, cowboy.”
“Rob, JESUS. Open a window if you’re gonna do that.” - A common saying in the village I grew up in.
Do women talk more than men because they’re better at it, or because they’re worse at it? In any case, I just did a BIG fart.
Just ran 5 miles in sweaty Tallahassee. If God smelled my balls right now, She’d immediately fart out six 9/11s.
Even if you’re “not into farts,” you’d be pretty psyched about what I just did.
Uh oh, I just shit in my pants. It’s ok though, I’m at a Kinko’s.
Man, I’m wiped out from BMX* today… (*10 poops)
It’s good luck if a bird shits on you. It’s AMAZING luck if you can return the favor.
I know I shouldn’t, since I’m not handicapped, but sometimes it’s just easier to take a crap in a handicapped parking spot
Nowadays when people ask me “What the hell is wrong with you?”, I answer “8 things!” then fart adorably & ask for money.

He Offers Sound Advice

Probably don’t want to “vajazzle” after a certain age or it’ll just look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.
If you don’t floss, your mouth smells like a graveyard filled with people who died of butthole cancer.
Take it from me: if you’re gonna stick a carnivorous eel up your friend’s asshole for kicks, make sure you feed it FIRST.

He Is A Lover

It’s easier to make a human being than it is to make lasagna. That’s why I love fuckin’.
Is it just me or does a nice, fresh guacamole make you wanna fuck, hard?
Don’t matter what town I’m in; the minute I put my evening scent on, it becomes Blowjob City.
If I could only take ONE book to the moon, I’d make sure that book had a vagina.
Whenever I can’t get hard, I think about Aretha Franklin murdering the cast of “Entourage” with a sword. Then it’s Go Time.
If I had a time machine, I would visit my dad in the hospital before he died & fuck that hot nurse.
Today I think I’ll go door to door & offer any women who own more than one cat a complimentary cocking.
I don’t care what I do this weekend, as long as my dick stinks by the end of it.

He Loves Himself

I’m on an allergy medicine that has boosted my nipple sensitivity to a near clitoral level. Can’t stop licking them.
Funny how I always seem to have the best orgasms in warehouses.
My mom just walked in while I was masturbating in the tub. My penis actually vacuumed up a few ounces of water.
I just “adult-tickled” myself!

He Has The Utmost Respect For Women

Whenever I see a woman reading a book, I’m like, “Yeah, right…”
Lilith Fair would have no problem selling tickets if they’d booked my band “Slut Hunter.”
“Are you shitting me with those tits?” - I was pretty much just forced to yell this at a young woman in a store
When I lift up the hood of a car, there might as well be math books & women making decisions in there.
Remember: you can’t always tell what color a woman’s bush is gonna be based on the color of her mustache.

He’s A Critic

My favorite AC/DC song is probably “Big Hard Penis in a Lady’s Vagina” off of Crazy Jizz Blast.
Just ate at that new restaurant downtown, Poison Toilet. Not very good.
I think it’s ok to make the jerkoff motion whenever a college student talks about their thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
Draw a picture of a house. Congratulations; you’re an architect. I don’t know what the fuss is about those assholes.
“I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a Brie.” - my neighbor Lisa, who is fat & cannot read
Reading “inspirational” tweets from celebrities makes me want to do a bucket of drugs & shit powerfully in my pants.

He Gives And He Gives And He Gives

Just saw a cute little boy eating a HUGE cookie! I taught him a lesson about loss that I know he’ll appreciate one day.
Just emptied all our bananas, filled them w/ ground beef & sewed them up again. My gorilla-wife is going to FREAK.
I fuck animals because a) They won’t get pregnant & b) If one does, the “thing” we make will be magic & save the world.

He Has Hobbies

Just made a pretty good Yoda mask out of some old scrotums I found around the house.
People are often surprised at the sight of my naked body. And it’s not just because I’m standing in their child’s closet.
FUN GAG! 1.Bake a cake in the shape of a hammer 2.Replace your dad’s real hammer w/ the cake “hammer.” 3.Hide in an old fridge
For such a cute little bear, Koalas have a surprisingly roomy vagina.

He Is A Man Of Simple Pleasures

Friends: I’ve already seen a garbage truck hit a parked car today AND a horse take a huge piss in the road. I am at peace.
How does ANYONE walk by a salon where women are getting pedicures without collapsing to the sidewalk in an ejaculiptic fit?
NERDS: How do I disable the shutter-click noise on my phone’s camera? This lady on the bus is breastfeeding twins.
I use towels all the time. You might as well just call me Rob “Towels” Delaney.
Threadbare sweatpants: ON. Penis: PUMPED. Destination: COSTCO.
If I don’t have time to watch a whole Ewan McGregor movie, I’ll just peek at the picture of his penis I keep in my wallet.
GET READY TO SHIT IN YOUR FUCKING PANTS: The Smurfs go to TIMES SQUARE in their new movie! #smurfs
If death is anything at all like sleeping, sign me up!
Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I’ve got man’s work to do.
If you live in the 1st world & you don’t eat ice cream EVERY SINGLE DAY, I don’t think you get what we’re trying to do here.

He Has A Potty Mouth

Guys, I’ve got to work on my potty mouth. Last night I let 2 cops & a referee go peepee in it.
If I’m being interrogated by cops & they offer me a drink, I always ask for a Diet Suck My Dick & we all have a good laugh.
JOKE MINUTE! Q: What has 2 thumbs & likes getting blowjobs? A: My uncle Tony.

Things Don’t Always Go So Well For Him

Ouch! One of my calf implants just exploded when my Segway hit a big bump on my way to megachurch!
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don’t have to be an asshole about it.
Nothing makes me sadder/angrier than seeing a lonely old man eating a kitten panini.
I wish the proper way to react to biting the inside of my lip while eating was to take a baseball bat to everything in my kitchen.
Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think “This is the worst thing that has EVER happened.”

Ransacked Ostrich Nostril

Fourteen Things About Rob Delaney