15th February 2011
Post with 161 notes
I’ve been following Rob Delaney on twitter for a couple years now and my geeky little faves-collector script has amassed a frightening amount of his tweets. So much happy filth, in fact, that I thought I needed to do something with it all.
And with that, here are fourteen things you should know about Rob Delaney. Enjoy. Or cringe, or whatever.
ps: He’s also got a youtube channel.
He Has A Gift For International Diplomacy
- I’d rather get hit by a car than hear a German guy have an orgasm.
- If Obama won’t acknowledge the Armenian genocide, he could at least say a few words about the plight of their hairiness.
- I get super sad when I think of Jewish baby boys getting their cute foreskins snipped & their lil’ horns filed off. Ouch!
- When I insult someone, I make sure to mention their race so they know that while I’m angry w/ them, I respect their culture.
- There are 60 cities in China with populations over 1 million. SIXTY. All they do is fuck.
- Ethnic cleansing gets a bad name. I love nothing more than giving an exotic woman of color a thorough scrubdown.
- In Arabic, the word “Burqa” literally translates to “portable Dutch oven.”
- In certain Eastern cultures, it’s considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone’s home.
He Has Some Body Issues
- Something is wrong with one of my penises.
- I’m generally “at peace” with my body, even the horrible parts. But in a few years I’ll probably get a sack lift.
- Put on some old jeans this morning & now I’m inadvertently serving up hot hairy beef muffintop to the neighborhood.
He Likes It Sturdy
- “You’re cute, but call me when you’re 18*.” (*pounds heavier; I like it sturdy)”
- I’d never finish a book on the iPad because I’d always be pushing the button that lets me watch a chubby woman take a bath.
- If you built a website out of just my browser history, it would be called www.chubbygirltakingabath.com
He Is Smelly
- I just did a fart so horrible that Hitler would have picked up a gypsy child & covered its nose with a hanky.
- Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say “Top that, cowboy.”
- “Rob, JESUS. Open a window if you’re gonna do that.” - A common saying in the village I grew up in.
- Do women talk more than men because they’re better at it, or because they’re worse at it? In any case, I just did a BIG fart.
- Just ran 5 miles in sweaty Tallahassee. If God smelled my balls right now, She’d immediately fart out six 9/11s.
- Even if you’re “not into farts,” you’d be pretty psyched about what I just did.
- Uh oh, I just shit in my pants. It’s ok though, I’m at a Kinko’s.
- Man, I’m wiped out from BMX* today… (*10 poops)
- It’s good luck if a bird shits on you. It’s AMAZING luck if you can return the favor.
- I know I shouldn’t, since I’m not handicapped, but sometimes it’s just easier to take a crap in a handicapped parking spot
- Nowadays when people ask me “What the hell is wrong with you?”, I answer “8 things!” then fart adorably & ask for money.
He Offers Sound Advice
- Probably don’t want to “vajazzle” after a certain age or it’ll just look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.
- If you don’t floss, your mouth smells like a graveyard filled with people who died of butthole cancer.
- Take it from me: if you’re gonna stick a carnivorous eel up your friend’s asshole for kicks, make sure you feed it FIRST.
He Is A Lover
- It’s easier to make a human being than it is to make lasagna. That’s why I love fuckin’.
- Is it just me or does a nice, fresh guacamole make you wanna fuck, hard?
- Don’t matter what town I’m in; the minute I put my evening scent on, it becomes Blowjob City.
- If I could only take ONE book to the moon, I’d make sure that book had a vagina.
- Whenever I can’t get hard, I think about Aretha Franklin murdering the cast of “Entourage” with a sword. Then it’s Go Time.
- If I had a time machine, I would visit my dad in the hospital before he died & fuck that hot nurse.
- Today I think I’ll go door to door & offer any women who own more than one cat a complimentary cocking.
- I don’t care what I do this weekend, as long as my dick stinks by the end of it.
He Loves Himself
- I’m on an allergy medicine that has boosted my nipple sensitivity to a near clitoral level. Can’t stop licking them.
- Funny how I always seem to have the best orgasms in warehouses.
- My mom just walked in while I was masturbating in the tub. My penis actually vacuumed up a few ounces of water.
- I just “adult-tickled” myself!
He Has The Utmost Respect For Women
- Whenever I see a woman reading a book, I’m like, “Yeah, right…”
- Lilith Fair would have no problem selling tickets if they’d booked my band “Slut Hunter.”
- “Are you shitting me with those tits?” - I was pretty much just forced to yell this at a young woman in a store
- When I lift up the hood of a car, there might as well be math books & women making decisions in there.
- Remember: you can’t always tell what color a woman’s bush is gonna be based on the color of her mustache.
He’s A Critic
- My favorite AC/DC song is probably “Big Hard Penis in a Lady’s Vagina” off of Crazy Jizz Blast.
- Just ate at that new restaurant downtown, Poison Toilet. Not very good.
- I think it’s ok to make the jerkoff motion whenever a college student talks about their thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
- Draw a picture of a house. Congratulations; you’re an architect. I don’t know what the fuss is about those assholes.
- “I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a Brie.” - my neighbor Lisa, who is fat & cannot read
- Reading “inspirational” tweets from celebrities makes me want to do a bucket of drugs & shit powerfully in my pants.
He Gives And He Gives And He Gives
- Just saw a cute little boy eating a HUGE cookie! I taught him a lesson about loss that I know he’ll appreciate one day.
- Just emptied all our bananas, filled them w/ ground beef & sewed them up again. My gorilla-wife is going to FREAK.
- I fuck animals because a) They won’t get pregnant & b) If one does, the “thing” we make will be magic & save the world.
He Has Hobbies
- Just made a pretty good Yoda mask out of some old scrotums I found around the house.
- People are often surprised at the sight of my naked body. And it’s not just because I’m standing in their child’s closet.
- FUN GAG! 1.Bake a cake in the shape of a hammer 2.Replace your dad’s real hammer w/ the cake “hammer.” 3.Hide in an old fridge
- For such a cute little bear, Koalas have a surprisingly roomy vagina.
He Is A Man Of Simple Pleasures
- Friends: I’ve already seen a garbage truck hit a parked car today AND a horse take a huge piss in the road. I am at peace.
- How does ANYONE walk by a salon where women are getting pedicures without collapsing to the sidewalk in an ejaculiptic fit?
- NERDS: How do I disable the shutter-click noise on my phone’s camera? This lady on the bus is breastfeeding twins.
- I use towels all the time. You might as well just call me Rob “Towels” Delaney.
- Threadbare sweatpants: ON. Penis: PUMPED. Destination: COSTCO.
- If I don’t have time to watch a whole Ewan McGregor movie, I’ll just peek at the picture of his penis I keep in my wallet.
- GET READY TO SHIT IN YOUR FUCKING PANTS: The Smurfs go to TIMES SQUARE in their new movie! #smurfs
- If death is anything at all like sleeping, sign me up!
- Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I’ve got man’s work to do.
- If you live in the 1st world & you don’t eat ice cream EVERY SINGLE DAY, I don’t think you get what we’re trying to do here.
He Has A Potty Mouth
- Guys, I’ve got to work on my potty mouth. Last night I let 2 cops & a referee go peepee in it.
- If I’m being interrogated by cops & they offer me a drink, I always ask for a Diet Suck My Dick & we all have a good laugh.
- JOKE MINUTE! Q: What has 2 thumbs & likes getting blowjobs? A: My uncle Tony.
Things Don’t Always Go So Well For Him
- Ouch! One of my calf implants just exploded when my Segway hit a big bump on my way to megachurch!
- BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don’t have to be an asshole about it.
- Nothing makes me sadder/angrier than seeing a lonely old man eating a kitten panini.
- I wish the proper way to react to biting the inside of my lip while eating was to take a baseball bat to everything in my kitchen.
- Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think “This is the worst thing that has EVER happened.”