Me: Come on. The writing has been on the wall for a while now. You can't tell me you haven't noticed that I've been eating sandwiches without you for several weeks.
Mayonnaise: I thought maybe you just needed some space.
Me: At first, I thought that was the case too, but it's clear to me now that this is not working.
Mayonnaise: This is just really sudden. I mean, this came out of nowhere.
Me: That's not true and you know it. Remember how you were ALL OVER that turkey sandwich from Gelson's three weeks ago and I couldn't even finish it? Couldn't even finish.
Mayonnaise: One time! That's one time. We've had some really great sandwiches.
Me: It's not just one time. Two or three times a week in Bellingham, I'd leave half an Avenue Bread turkey sandwich uneaten because you drenched the bread with your thick, greasy glops of oily eggstuff. It was disgusting.
Mayonnaise: Did you ever think that maybe it was the turkey? That seems to be a common thread here. Turkey this, turkey that. You're fucking obsessed with turkey.
Me: Turkey is not the issue. You ruined a perfectly good French Dip four days ago. You have no business whatsoever showing up unannounced on a French Dip but, there you were. Because I can't have ONE THING that's just for me.
Mayonnaise: So, what? It's mustard now? You're going to end up with mustard? Jesus.
Me: Yeah, I've been having more mustard lately. You know that. I know you know that. So, yes. Mustard. Maybe aioli from time to ti--
Mayonnaise: AIOLI?! Fuck you. I can be aioli. You never gave me a chance to be aioli. I could have been anything you wanted me to be but you're too goddamn stubborn and lazy to give something new a try, so I just kept lying there, underneath mounds of turkey, bored and unsatisfied.
Me: Oh now YOU'RE bored and unsatisfied? That's fine. It sounds like this is best for both of us, then. Go be aioli. Go be somebody else's aioli.
Mayonnaise: Fuck you.
Me: Fuck you.
Mayonnaise: I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry.
Me: I'm sorry too. This is hard. This will be hard for both of us, but it's the right thing. You know that, right?
Mayonnaise: Yeah. Yes. Things have been bad for a while.
Me: They have. But we'll figure it out. We'll see each other around. I'll see you on other sandwiches.
Mayonnaise: I don't even want to think about other sandwiches right now.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just hungry.
Mayonnaise: You always are. There's some bread and turkey around. Maybe we could...
Me: I don't think that would be fair to either one of us.
Mayonnaise: There's avocado.
Me: I know. We've involved avocado for years and, every time we do, I end up focusing on the avocado and things get messy. I don't want that anymore.
Mayonnaise: Okay. You're right. So, I guess, goodbye?
Me: Yeah. Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, okay? I never meant for it to be this way, I just... things change, y'know? People change?
Mayonnaise: I think we're both above those cliches. The relationship ran its course. It happens.
Me: You're right. I'm sorry. Hey, remember that week during my freshman year when we made tuna sandwiches every day for, like, three weeks? Sometimes two or three times a day?