Ransacked Ostrich Nostril

[From IRC.]

The Cast:

Pete - A nerd. Married. American. Cat lover.
Jenny - A nerd. Attached. European. Cat lover.
Hans - A nerd. Attached. European.
Tim - a nerd. Married. Canuck. Cat lover.

—-

Pete: living together for a while and then living apart for a while sucks

Jenny: yes it does

Pete: I had to play that game for three years, courtesy of US immigration

Hans: Pete: during this time, how was the sex life, compared to now?

Pete: non existent for six months at a time

Jenny: no web cam?

Pete: gross
Pete: I am a good christian
Pete: anyway it put a huge amount of strain on our relationship

Jenny: I bet

Pete: “why didn’t you call me last night” etc etc etc
Pete: however it did let me work whatever hours I wanted

Hans: what, no erotic novels written to each other? no dirty phone phone calls?

Jenny: no “I had this awesome dream about you last night ..”
Jenny: ?

Jenny ducks fast and runs

Pete: you europeans are freaky

Tim: hey, I go off for some sushi and you guys get all freaky sexy without me.

Hans: freaky, or sexy?

Tim: bow chicka

Pete: was more like “why didn’t you call me, why don’t you love me, blah blah blah”
Pete: all that shit went away when we got married + immigration stuff got settled

Hans: that sounds awesome and erotic

Pete: yeah, sexy nagging

Tim: my wife and I don’t do well when one of us is away for a weekend. I can’t imagine 6mos at a time.

Hans: maybe we should adopt that

Jenny: nagging can be sexy?

Hans: Jenny: NO!
Hans: unless she has a paddle in her hand, then it might be

Tim: no no no
Tim: not that, either.
Tim: table tennis is not sexy.
Tim: nor canoeing.

Jenny: even blind fold?

Hans: Tim: sorry, then you haven’t done it right ;)

Pete: man you guys are weirdos

Tim: Sorry. Dark room, eyes closed, Mantovani LP spinning away. Like God intended.

Hans: trust me, it can be nice : )

Jenny wonders which kind of table tennis Hans means.

Jenny: Hans: not the one where the girl uses her pelvic floor instead of a bat I hope
Jenny: I don’t think that’s really sexy
Jenny: though kind of awesome that they can do that ..

Tim: But seriously, are any of you guys able to perform without a good BBC nature documentary playing in the background?

Jenny: Tim: or a good action movie with lots of people dying in it

Pete: the BBC nature documentary keeps the cats entertained

Tim: Jenny: is that even possible?

Jenny: Tim: They were showing it on the TV the other night as one of the 100 things to do before you die

Tim: Even my filthy, filthy imagination has trouble conjuring up that one.

Jenny: I was impressed at how far the ball was going
Jenny: but it did look like if someone batted the ball back, you couldn’t really do much about it

Hans: Jenny: uhm..   I meant paddle as in paddle, as in paddle? table tennis has a paddle.. which can be used..

Jenny: also ouch

Tim: taintball

Jenny: Hans: I know really.  Apparently wooden spoons are better.  Also the right kind of hairbrush

Jenny chuckles at Tim 

Hans: pelvic floor instead of a bat? 
Hans: you have me so confused I don’t know where to begin

Tim: my favourite is when my wife beats the shit out of me with a length of pvc drain pipe.

Jenny: sounds noisy
Jenny: wooomph

Tim: like blue man group music
Tim: but with only one note
Tim: <wooomph> ow! <wooomph> ow!<wooomph> ow! <wooomph> ow!<wooomph> ow!

Jenny: I’m too childish. I’d have to make hooting noises down it.

Tim: BWAH

Jenny: I used to do that as a kid..
Jenny: Hans: I’m not going to search for the video on someone else’s wifi ..  sorry
Jenny: but she kind of was sitting on a seat, with both feet on the table tennis table
Jenny: the guy who was holding the bat on the other side was too distracted to actually return the ball though

Tim: I can imagine.

Jenny: so I guess I might actually win a game that way ..

Tim: So she was projecting the ball… uh… with her… uh.    Oh my.

Tim blushes

Pete: sounds horrific

Jenny: I was just impressed at how far the ball was going

Tim: Do your kegels, kids.

Pete: SPEAKING OF PING PONG BALLS
Pete: I hear cats are supposed to go bonkers for ping pong balls
Pete: I have yet to try this

Jenny: yes
Jenny: my cat loves them
Jenny: I have had to put a couple in to hot water to make them pop back out into shape

Tim: Pete: it only works if you shoot them out your vagina.
Tim: (sorry)

Pete: god damn it

Tim: I said sorry

Pete: making me lol in the lab

Tim: but I didn’t really mean it.

I’m wearing one of my loudest hawaiian shirts today. I just had this conversation a co-worker:

CW: nice shirt. </sarcasm>
Me: Thanks. I call this one “The Moisturizer.”
CW: I don’t get it.
Me: Ask your mom.
CW: Mom’s dead.
Me: …

Awkward.