July 2011
2 posts
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
- Me: I can't do this anymore.
- Mayonnaise: What? What are you talking about?
- Me: Come on. The writing has been on the wall for a while now. You can't tell me you haven't noticed that I've been eating sandwiches without you for several weeks.
- Mayonnaise: I thought maybe you just needed some space.
- Me: At first, I thought that was the case too, but it's clear to me now that this is not working.
- Mayonnaise: This is just really sudden. I mean, this came out of nowhere.
- Me: That's not true and you know it. Remember how you were ALL OVER that turkey sandwich from Gelson's three weeks ago and I couldn't even finish it? Couldn't even finish.
- Mayonnaise: One time! That's one time. We've had some really great sandwiches.
- Me: It's not just one time. Two or three times a week in Bellingham, I'd leave half an Avenue Bread turkey sandwich uneaten because you drenched the bread with your thick, greasy glops of oily eggstuff. It was disgusting.
- Mayonnaise: Did you ever think that maybe it was the turkey? That seems to be a common thread here. Turkey this, turkey that. You're fucking obsessed with turkey.
- Me: Turkey is not the issue. You ruined a perfectly good French Dip four days ago. You have no business whatsoever showing up unannounced on a French Dip but, there you were. Because I can't have ONE THING that's just for me.
- Mayonnaise: So, what? It's mustard now? You're going to end up with mustard? Jesus.
- Me: Yeah, I've been having more mustard lately. You know that. I know you know that. So, yes. Mustard. Maybe aioli from time to ti--
- Mayonnaise: AIOLI?! Fuck you. I can be aioli. You never gave me a chance to be aioli. I could have been anything you wanted me to be but you're too goddamn stubborn and lazy to give something new a try, so I just kept lying there, underneath mounds of turkey, bored and unsatisfied.
- Me: Oh now YOU'RE bored and unsatisfied? That's fine. It sounds like this is best for both of us, then. Go be aioli. Go be somebody else's aioli.
- Mayonnaise: Fuck you.
- Me: Fuck you.
- Mayonnaise: I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry.
- Me: I'm sorry too. This is hard. This will be hard for both of us, but it's the right thing. You know that, right?
- Mayonnaise: Yeah. Yes. Things have been bad for a while.
- Me: They have. But we'll figure it out. We'll see each other around. I'll see you on other sandwiches.
- Mayonnaise: I don't even want to think about other sandwiches right now.
- Me: I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just hungry.
- Mayonnaise: You always are. There's some bread and turkey around. Maybe we could...
- Me: I don't think that would be fair to either one of us.
- Mayonnaise: There's avocado.
- Me: I know. We've involved avocado for years and, every time we do, I end up focusing on the avocado and things get messy. I don't want that anymore.
- Mayonnaise: Okay. You're right. So, I guess, goodbye?
- Me: Yeah. Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, okay? I never meant for it to be this way, I just... things change, y'know? People change?
- Mayonnaise: I think we're both above those cliches. The relationship ran its course. It happens.
- Me: You're right. I'm sorry. Hey, remember that week during my freshman year when we made tuna sandwiches every day for, like, three weeks? Sometimes two or three times a day?
- Mayonnaise: Don't. Don't do that.
- Me: Sorry.
- Mayonnaise: It's fine. I should go.
- Me: Okay. I'll see you around, I guess.
- Mayonnaise: I guess. Goodbye.
- Me: Bye.
