Ransacked Ostrich Nostril

Matt “@biorhythmist” Watson is one of the best on twitter.  Here are eight things you should know about him.

He Should Be A Motivational Speaker

• I stare at this drawer full of restaurant flyers and still can’t decide between Chinese take-out and crippling alcoholism.
• I just wrote “HELP” on my chest in cheeto dust. I would like to get off the couch at some point today
• The corner store started carrying Ben & Jerry’s Crème Brûlée ice cream so if anybody needs me I’ll be fat.
• Narcolepsy combines my love of naps wi
• You never really plan on poop-crying, it just sort of happens.

He Is Open About Himself

• Gosh darn it am I terrible at blasphemy.
• I gave up racist Asian stereotype landlord jokes for Lent.
• I miss my mom. Mostly because I feel silly clapping all by myself when I make a good poop.

He Is A Student Of Life

• Today I learned that a mom with a nice ass pushing a stroller is called a “nanny.”
• These babies are not very absorbent.
• These so-called blues singers sure do like to talk about how much intercourse they’re having.
• I don’t think the French make lemonade from real mons.
• Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel.
• Expect the unexPTERODACTYL DANCE TROUPE

Sometimes Unusual Things Happen In His Pants

• It turns out that being in the blind spot of a bus that is changing lanes on the freeway is the best way to get poop right into your pants.
• Yoga for me is a constant struggle between embarrassing tumescence and flatulent narcolepsy.
• Okay, fine. I’m never shaving it again. Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

He Is Not So Smooth With The Ladies

• Reading up on feminism so this chick will let me put my dude piston in her ham wallet.
• What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all “kind of busy” or “what is your problem” or “this is a pottery class, sir.”
• When life hands you melons, it could be dyslexia or yes of course your eyes are up there I’m sorry what was I saying
• Just watched an older lady DESTROY a pub cheeseburger. I may need to adjust the upper bound on my match.com searches.

He Does The Nerd Thing Very Well

• Does this this pointer make me look Bjarne Stroustrupy?
• Ke$ha had to change her name to Ke\$ha after a tragic shell script accident.
• See, I named my new color inkjet Seurat because he died after being thrown out a window when his goddamn fucking drivers wouldn’t install.

He Is Free With His Opinions

• They should just draw a fart on the car A/C “recirculate” button.
• Wet naps, people! When you eat a bunch of chicken wings it doesn’t have to look like you just delivered a baby calf.
• Eating Ethiopian food just seems kind of mean.
• Man, some of you people give out more stars in a day than my third grade teacher Mrs. Nussbaum handed out during the entire Holocaust.

He Tends To Get Himself Into Trouble

• Can someone explain to me how to rinse out a measuring spoon without it splashing all over my shirt also math
• Either this girl just said her name was “Goulash” or one of us is having a stroke.
• Turns out that “Deepak Chopra” is a really bad safeword so that’s why I’m walking like a cowboy.
• I’m not ashamed to admit that I prefer peeing sitting down. Everybody else in this meeting seems to have a problem with it though.
• At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a “flavor-saver” so I made a your mom joke and that’s how grandma got the ambulance ride.
• Man, that pony did *not* want to be wrapped.

Hey kids,

More silliness from twitter.  Enjoy.

Oh, and be forewarned:  Herein lies filth.

-Rob

Creepy Love

markleggett: When women see me for the first time, they often ask “Hey, what’s your secret?”, and I always reply “I spiked your drink about an hour ago.”

aedison: If I’m such a “stalker”, then how come I’m killing all your housepets and using their blood to write love letters on your walls?

STACEYNIGHTMARE: I like to ruin everyone else’s Valentine’s Day by taking a funeral urn to dinner and buying it “the best steak on the menu”.

robdelaney: My van says “BONE ZONE” on it because I’m a paleontologist. And I fuck women in it.

Nerdy Love

BettyLies: Maybe this will be the night my husband takes me on the dining room table after sweeping all the Lego off with one hand.

awryone: I want a simultaneous nerdgasm but I always prematurely dorkulate.

Animal Love

bridger_w: I like Gila monsters because they’re willing to admit they’re monsters, unlike giraffes.

fleshcake: I’m so thirsty I could drink a blended up horse.

yesquite: This squirrel is looking at me like he knows I love Steely Dan and thus rejects my taste. No wait, it’s me. He rejects me as a person.

ShittingtonUK: I’m not homophobic, but I think I’d be really grossed out if sparrows had huge cocks.

Workin’ Nine To Five

biorhythmist: Just ran through the office and explained the Doppler effect with my butt.

liveactionfloyd: Apparently when your boss asks you what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day you’re not supposed to say “menstruating”.

bubblebathos: I may work as a party promoter, but my REAL passion is dying alone

liveactionfloyd: Nothing says Monday morning like cleaning the vodka out of my travel mug so I can put coffee in it.

RexHuppke: Tonight I’m going to watch TV like every other night but later because it’s not a work night.  Isn’t that a Loverboy lyric?.

Making Friends Is Hard

shelbyfero: My ringworm is almost 100% cleared up if any of you want to snuggle or whatever.

joseph_ocon: Nobody at this playground wants a sponge bath and they’re all being really rude about it.

fleshcake: No one that wears leather pants is someone’s emergency contact.

Breaking Into The Music Biz

KaseyAnderson: In honor of the Grammys, I just poured tepid water over a bowl of olive pits and dubbed it “Soup of the Year.”

robdelaney: If any of you know the Dixie Chicks or the Gypsy Kings, my band the Flicksy Clits would love to open for either of them.

Losing My Religion and/or Finding God

RexHuppke: I feel guilty dropping my son at Sunday school then skipping church.  Mmmm, this coffee’s good.  What were we talking about?

sbellelauren: burned finger on the oven. wrapped finger in cold deli meat. finger completely healed. CONCLUSION: MEAT IS JESUS.

The Pitter-Patter Of Little Feet

shelbyfero: I guess my greatest fear would be having twins and giving the hot, dumb one a smart name and the smart, ugly one a hot name.

sucittaM: Yeah, I can babysit your kid. I’ll babysit the fuck outta your kid. What? Nevermind? Ok.”

BettyLies: The nice thing about being a mom is I can come up with a semi-plausible excuse for having a Han Solo minifigure up my butt.

Staying Healthy

shelbyfero: Very good Satan, you almost had me fooled with those “gyms” of yours.

yoyoha: I check myself for testicular cancer every day. Sort of.

Gentlefolk,

I’ve been following Rob Delaney on twitter for a couple years now and my geeky little faves-collector script has amassed a frightening amount of his tweets.  So much happy filth, in fact, that I thought I needed to do something with it all.

And with that, here are fourteen things you should know about Rob Delaney. Enjoy.  Or cringe, or whatever. 

-Rob

ps:  He’s also got a youtube channel.


He Has A Gift For International Diplomacy

• I’d rather get hit by a car than hear a German guy have an orgasm.
• If Obama won’t acknowledge the Armenian genocide, he could at least say a few words about the plight of their hairiness.
• I get super sad when I think of Jewish baby boys getting their cute foreskins snipped & their lil’ horns filed off. Ouch!
• When I insult someone, I make sure to mention their race so they know that while I’m angry w/ them, I respect their culture.
• There are 60 cities in China with populations over 1 million. SIXTY. All they do is fuck.
• Ethnic cleansing gets a bad name. I love nothing more than giving an exotic woman of color a thorough scrubdown.
• In Arabic, the word “Burqa” literally translates to “portable Dutch oven.”
• In certain Eastern cultures, it’s considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone’s home.

He Has Some Body Issues

• Something is wrong with one of my penises.
• I’m generally “at peace” with my body, even the horrible parts. But in a few years I’ll probably get a sack lift.
• Put on some old jeans this morning & now I’m inadvertently serving up hot hairy beef muffintop to the neighborhood.

He Likes It Sturdy

• “You’re cute, but call me when you’re 18*.”  (*pounds heavier; I like it sturdy)”
• I’d never finish a book on the iPad because I’d always be pushing the button that lets me watch a chubby woman take a bath.
• If you built a website out of just my browser history, it would be called www.chubbygirltakingabath.com

He Is Smelly

• I just did a fart so horrible that Hitler would have picked up a gypsy child & covered its nose with a hanky.
• Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say “Top that, cowboy.”
• “Rob, JESUS. Open a window if you’re gonna do that.” - A common saying in the village I grew up in.
• Do women talk more than men because they’re better at it, or because they’re worse at it? In any case, I just did a BIG fart.
• Just ran 5 miles in sweaty Tallahassee. If God smelled my balls right now, She’d immediately fart out six 9/11s.
• Even if you’re “not into farts,” you’d be pretty psyched about what I just did.
• Uh oh, I just shit in my pants.  It’s ok though, I’m at a Kinko’s.
• Man, I’m wiped out from BMX* today…  (*10 poops)
• It’s good luck if a bird shits on you. It’s AMAZING luck if you can return the favor.
• I know I shouldn’t, since I’m not handicapped, but sometimes it’s just easier to take a crap in a handicapped parking spot
• Nowadays when people ask me “What the hell is wrong with you?”, I answer “8 things!” then fart adorably & ask for money.

He Offers Sound Advice

• Probably don’t want to “vajazzle” after a certain age or it’ll just look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.
• If you don’t floss, your mouth smells like a graveyard filled with people who died of butthole cancer.
• Take it from me: if you’re gonna stick a carnivorous eel up your friend’s asshole for kicks, make sure you feed it FIRST.

He Is A Lover

• It’s easier to make a human being than it is to make lasagna. That’s why I love fuckin’.
• Is it just me or does a nice, fresh guacamole make you wanna fuck, hard?
• Don’t matter what town I’m in; the minute I put my evening scent on, it becomes Blowjob City.
• If I could only take ONE book to the moon, I’d make sure that book had a vagina.
• Whenever I can’t get hard, I think about Aretha Franklin murdering the cast of “Entourage” with a sword. Then it’s Go Time.
• If I had a time machine, I would visit my dad in the hospital before he died & fuck that hot nurse.
• Today I think I’ll go door to door & offer any women who own more than one cat a complimentary cocking.
• I don’t care what I do this weekend, as long as my dick stinks by the end of it.

He Loves Himself

• I’m on an allergy medicine that has boosted my nipple sensitivity to a near clitoral level. Can’t stop licking them.
• Funny how I always seem to have the best orgasms in warehouses.
• My mom just walked in while I was masturbating in the tub. My penis actually vacuumed up a few ounces of water.
• I just “adult-tickled” myself!

He Has The Utmost Respect For Women

• Whenever I see a woman reading a book, I’m like, “Yeah, right…”
• Lilith Fair would have no problem selling tickets if they’d booked my band “Slut Hunter.”
• “Are you shitting me with those tits?” - I was pretty much just forced to yell this at a young woman in a store
• When I lift up the hood of a car, there might as well be math books & women making decisions in there.
• Remember: you can’t always tell what color a woman’s bush is gonna be based on the color of her mustache.

He’s A Critic

• My favorite AC/DC song is probably “Big Hard Penis in a Lady’s Vagina” off of Crazy Jizz Blast.
• Just ate at that new restaurant downtown, Poison Toilet.  Not very good.
• I think it’s ok to make the jerkoff motion whenever a college student talks about their thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
• Draw a picture of a house. Congratulations; you’re an architect. I don’t know what the fuss is about those assholes.
• “I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a Brie.” - my neighbor Lisa, who is fat & cannot read
• Reading “inspirational” tweets from celebrities makes me want to do a bucket of drugs & shit powerfully in my pants.

He Gives And He Gives And He Gives

• Just saw a cute little boy eating a HUGE cookie! I taught him a lesson about loss that I know he’ll appreciate one day.
• Just emptied all our bananas, filled them w/ ground beef & sewed them up again. My gorilla-wife is going to FREAK.
• I fuck animals because a) They won’t get pregnant & b) If one does, the “thing” we make will be magic & save the world.

He Has Hobbies

• Just made a pretty good Yoda mask out of some old scrotums I found around the house.
• People are often surprised at the sight of my naked body. And it’s not just because I’m standing in their child’s closet.
• FUN GAG! 1.Bake a cake in the shape of a hammer 2.Replace your dad’s real hammer w/ the cake “hammer.” 3.Hide in an old fridge
• For such a cute little bear, Koalas have a surprisingly roomy vagina.

He Is A Man Of Simple Pleasures

• Friends: I’ve already seen a garbage truck hit a parked car today AND a horse take a huge piss in the road. I am at peace.
• How does ANYONE walk by a salon where women are getting pedicures without collapsing to the sidewalk in an ejaculiptic fit?
• NERDS: How do I disable the shutter-click noise on my phone’s camera? This lady on the bus is breastfeeding twins.
• I use towels all the time. You might as well just call me Rob “Towels” Delaney.
• Threadbare sweatpants: ON. Penis: PUMPED. Destination: COSTCO.
• If I don’t have time to watch a whole Ewan McGregor movie, I’ll just peek at the picture of his penis I keep in my wallet.
• GET READY TO SHIT IN YOUR FUCKING PANTS: The Smurfs go to TIMES SQUARE in their new movie! #smurfs
• If death is anything at all like sleeping, sign me up!
• Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I’ve got man’s work to do.
• If you live in the 1st world & you don’t eat ice cream EVERY SINGLE DAY, I don’t think you get what we’re trying to do here.

He Has A Potty Mouth

• Guys, I’ve got to work on my potty mouth.  Last night I let 2 cops & a referee go peepee in it.
• If I’m being interrogated by cops & they offer me a drink, I always ask for a Diet Suck My Dick & we all have a good laugh.
• JOKE MINUTE!  Q: What has 2 thumbs & likes getting blowjobs?  A: My uncle Tony.

Things Don’t Always Go So Well For Him

• Ouch! One of my calf implants just exploded when my Segway hit a big bump on my way to megachurch!
• BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don’t have to be an asshole about it.
• Nothing makes me sadder/angrier than seeing a lonely old man eating a kitten panini.
• I wish the proper way to react to biting the inside of my lip while eating was to take a baseball bat to everything in my kitchen.
• Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I think “This is the worst thing that has EVER happened.”