Ransacked Ostrich Nostril

Funny twitterers are funny.  They write ‘em, I just shmoosh ‘em together.

-Rob

Questions

• joseph_ocon: What’s the largest number of kittens a young man with a handful of misdemeanors can adopt at one time?
• joshcomers: “What the fuck?” (Henny Youngman’s wife, often)
• biorhythmist: How do you say “I want to make you pregnant” in Mexican? Kinda urgent thanks.

Making An Impression

• joshcomers: Tried to impress the girls at clown college by stuffing my shoes with tissue paper.
• fireland: Do you like my belt buckle that says SLIPPERY WHEN WET? Well do you like me? As a person? I got lots of facets. I do pilates. I know HTML.
• michael_hester: I can open drawers with my feet really well so I’m pretty good at impressing women.
• mrdavehill: If the woman next to me on this bus knew how many farts I’ve held in on this trip she’d be like “How cool of him. I wonder if he’s single.”
• DoubleBerg426: Don’t underestimate a blind woman slowly chewing a pickle.
• brentcetera: I’m getting no love from the women in my office even though I wore my best ‘Put Your Kisser On My Pisser’ t-shirt today.
• STACEYNIGHTMARE: I hope showing your underboob never becomes popular because I don’t want to have to shave there.

High School

• markleggett: I keep having dreams where I show up to school naked. Might stem from when I showed up to school naked. “You are a bad teacher.” they said.
• mrdavehill: I knew this guy in high school who had underarms that smelled like shit. We used to call him Shit Pits. He was from out of town.
• shelbyfero: Our high school puts on a fun senior fashion show every year for relatives and the local pedophiles.
• bridger_w: Not to brag, but I still fit into the same tax bracket I did in high school.

Pet Peeves

• michael_hester: Dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything. ANYTHING.
• shelbyfero: My dog never lets me be the little spoon.
• shelbyfero: Pets are like a snooze button for your ovaries.
• nanoblossom: Either my cat thinks my name is Raoul, or he is not learning to talk.
• nanoblossom: My conversations with my cat are pretty much all just reenactments of dialogue between Han and Chewbacca. He is a fucking nerd.

The Power Of Music

• Puddinstrip: if there’s a knock on your door and it’s a girl scout selling cookies, put on side two of Led Zeppelin IV.
• RedEaredRabbit: So we’re all meeting tomorrow at 9am at Tory HQ with our bassoons.  We’ll be playing “You are Twats” by Beethoven.  I will do the breakdancing
• SheBanggs: I never remember pulling one arm inside my shirt to air drum to a Def Leppard song until I see the pictures sent with my red light ticket.
• shelbyfero: What’s the best song to lie about losing your virginity to?

What’s On TV

• KaseyAnderson: I’m trying to make my kitchen more like the ones I see on the Food Network, so I filled it with insufferable assholes.
• yesquite: You know, if Captain Stubing lost the bow tie, I might have let him smell my feet in between canasta rounds.

Dave Hill: Guitarist, Sartorialist

• mrdavehill: There’s almost nothing I can’t do in my new underpants. Except for maybe just sitting there in my neighborhood playground. The cops hate it!
• mrdavehill: The butt part of my jeans smells exactly like a butt.  Gross.  Now what do I do?
• mrdavehill: In Old Navy. Some guy just asked me if I work here. Right- like Old Navy employees are allowed to dress entirely in velvet.

Notes Of Finality

• cravenheart: One never knows when one will have sex for the final time but in my case I really hope it’s not July 12 2009.
• fart: Your shoes are always in the last place you look. (Sex Dungeon)
• yesquite: Was briefly ecstatic when noticing how quickly Fridays come these days. Then remembered, oh yeah, death.

Don’t Do It

• sucittaM: I don’t find your “urinating on the bus” jokes funny. Both my parents drowned in urine on a bus.
• fleshcake: It’s a crime not to own a xylophone if you’ve got two dicks.
• nanoblossom: No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.
• brentcetera: Panic. My heart races. I look around. I’m alone, for now. If I’m going to put the last donut in my pants, the time is now.
• DoubleBerg426: If you tell your imaginary fiance to “Make me a sandwich now!” and then you remember she’s real, you’re still not getting a sandwich.

Sexual Favours

• thedayhascome: I would rather receive fellatio while eating endless stacks of pancakes than listen to Kim Kardashian’s new single.
• jacobshoaf: My favorite sexual favors: sexually helping a friend move, sexually helping old ladies cross streets, sexually holding doors for people…

The Painful Truth

• meganamram: Opinions are like assholes: I once saw my uncle’s.
• sween: My wife told me size doesn’t matter. Then she played with her wedding ring for a while. She’s having a bath now.
• robdelaney: I know I’ll be a good dad because I already dress like a fucking idiot.
• shelbyfero: If anyone needs obvious things pointed out to them my grandma is free most afternoons.
• sucittaM: I really like you, but I also really like when new socks get those little fuzz balls between my toes, so don’t let it go to your head.
• biorhythmist: I wouldn’t call myself “stylish” or “sophisticated” or “continent.”

I’m so neurotic a Jewish comedian just asked for my therapist’s number.

This career makes baby Evel Knievel cry.

My wife of 11 years used the last of the coffee cream and now my stupid lawyer says there’s no such thing as a retroactive pre-nup.

Pool Of Blood: America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Director’s Cut

Donut, go gentle into this good nightowl.

I just flew in from Nicaragua and boy are my arms illegal.

I’m not above unzipping this fleece sweater-vest a little to get the upper hand in dealings with my female colleagues.

The thought that medical science will soon be able to perform dog-to-human limb transplants gives me pause.

I’m bringing Sexy back.  My wife won’t let me keep her.

I’d rather have a pot of coffee in front of me than a botched frontier colostomy.

Your mullet is nice and all, but nothing says “business in the front, party in the back” like my pleated gabardine assless chaps.

You know who’s funny?  Shelby Fero. Here are some of her tweets.

You can find more Shelbyisms on twitter and here on tumblr.

-Rob

She’s Just Your Typical Seventeen-Year-Old Kid

• The HARDEST part about being a teenager? Probably having to sigh a second time when the first was too quiet.
• Oh man I hate doing the dishes! Now back to my own room to sit on my queen size bed and watch tv on my personal computer.
• Since all three of my sibling’s birthdays are in October, each year we get together and buy my mom’s vagina something nice.
• They say smoking marijuana damages your short term memories are pretty cool, right?
• My childhood ended the first time my iPhone corrected “gelato” to “fellatio.”

She Does The Usual Teenager Work

• There should be some sort of Nobel prize for dads who aren’t creepy towards babysitters.
• This baby just put her spit covered hand in my mouth, which was interesting, because I didn’t know a biological clock could actually stop.
• Any sort of Student Work program to fuck 1980’s Scott Baio?

She Is Always Working To Improve Herself

• I’m trying to be more gracious about things, like saying “Thanks” when someone is nice or “Sorry” when I hit a child with my car.
• I’ve been using whitening strips for weeks but I still hate golf.
• Felt confident so I tried to do a pull up and now I’m back to normal.
• Very good Satan, you almost had me fooled with those “gyms” of yours.
• Moved to get out of bed and pulled a muscle. Point taken.
• Thought about eating an apple for dessert and now I’m hurt and confused.
• I’m angry at someone but I want to handle it like an adult. So instead of working it out I’ll just drink and ignore my wife.

Her Sleep Schedule Could Use A Little Work

• I just don’t want to look back and think, “I could’ve napped there.”
• Sometimes I’m angry but mostly just sleepy.
• Sometimes when I think I’ve been mean to someone I kind of feel like throwing up but mostly I feel like naps.
• “This is probably a good time to reflect on every mistake I’ve ever made” - 3am
• I’ve effectively replaced sleep with coffee and anger.
• “The sooner you sleep, the sooner you can tweet again!” Shelby cooed softly before sobbing into her pillow.
• Getting out of bed in the morning would be a lot easier if the rest of the world was covered in beds.

She Is Judgemental

• I love when people tell me they’re spiritual so I don’t waste any time and get straight to hating them.
• People who live in glass houses shouldn’t yell “WHOOO LOOK AT ME” then press their junk up against the wall.
• Shaping the next generation would be a lot easier if they weren’t so squishy.
• If you listen real close to a Taylor Swift song, you can actually hear Susan B. Anthony crying!
• Once I stepped on a lizard and its stomach came out of its mouth and Outsourced is still the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
• Steve Jobs please stop having cancer so I can blame you for everything again.
• Don’t worry idiots, there’s always knuckle piercing.
• When will Martin Lawrence learn he can’t just put a wig and skirt on every problem.
• You know what the best sound in the world is? Anything that is not drunk girls.
• “Yeah bro, it’s a Scandinavian brew,” said a Chip or Chet or Derek in front of me in line at Starbucks this morning.
• Can’t decide if people with all their own paintballing gear are cool, or have sex with dirty people regularly.
• I bet every Jewish girl thinks she could be the one to change Hitler.
• I will never love anything as much as white people love shows about cupcakes.
• I just told this kid he could beat his cancer AND HE TOTALLY BELIEVED ME LIKE AN IDIOT!

She Is Observant

• Just saw an Asian woman drinking straight black coffee. They’re growing stronger.
• It must be hard to live in Japan with all the robots and Godzillas and stereotypes from other cultures.
• There’s a definite dichotomy between college students who know what that means and ones who don’t but use it constantly anyways.

She Is Smooth

• Anytime I accidentally walk into the men’s restroom I feel compelled to nonchalantly use the urinal, so no one thinks I’m stupid.
• Whenever I walk away from a container with the lid halfway on, but then stop and screw it on all the way, I’m kind of like Jesus.
• The lack of cleavage in my avatar pic shows I’m a classy lady, with high morals and also super small tits.
• This girl I knew once tried to fit into the cabinets under her sink. And by “girl” I mean me and by “once” I mean could someone call 911?
• So today I actually put down a sandwich and picked it back up without it falling apart completely. That was pretty cool.
• Didn’t do laundry before the power went out and now I’m googling “pants alternatives” on my iPhone.
• Whenever I hear people speaking a different language than me I always make sure to ask what it is before throwing things and yelling AMERICA
• I’m the Michael Jordan of retail employees asking me if everything’s all right in there.

She Has Some Ideas About The Dating Scene…

• If a guy treats me badly I’ll ONLY date him at least a hundred more times to be sure.
• The best aphrodisiac is not pointing out that I’m singing the lyrics wrong.
• Girls, he’s lying! He’s never read Virginia Woolf and doesn’t care about the poem you wrote about getting your first period!
• Lots of velour is a great way to warn someone that the night is about to get super rape-y.

…But Mysteriously, She’s Still Single

• I straightened my hair this morning if anyone needs a model or wife or whatever.
• My ringworm is almost 100% cleared up if any of you want to snuggle or whatever.
• I did my own makeup this morning if anyone needs a clown for something.
• I just pulled a hair out of my chin, if any of you fellas were having a hard time getting turned on tonight.
• I know what my own earwax smells like if you’re wondering why I’m single.

She Gets Starstruck

• Just image searched Viggo Mortensen and now I think I’m pregnant :(
• I bet I could turn Justin Beiber straight.
• I would wreck Helen Mirren.

You Probably Shouldn’t Go To A Restaurant With Her

• Let’s see what this sneeze guard can do against AIDs
• The worst moment of any dinner is when I fully remember what calamari is.
• Whenever I eat vegan I make sure to kill an animal anyways so they don’t get any ideas.

She Was Born For This Shit

• If you ask me, all one night stands are BYE sexual! What’s that?!? you all want to hire me to write for you!
• I knew a whale once but life got to be too much and he krilled himself. What’s that you’re saying? FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD?!!?!
• Jim Crow laws are so stupid, it’s almost as if they were written by REAL crows! What’s that? A Nobel prize in comedy?!
• Thanks for not unfollowing me through all this. Don’t know if I still know how to tweet. You can’t tuna fish! Heh, still got it.

Little details can really make an outfit pop. For example, note how my “Who Farted?” hat matches my “Fuel Tank For A Sex Machine” t-shirt.

I’m gonna get “Rob’s Bicep” tattooed on my mom.

My murse just fell off my credenza, contents spilling everywhere. My forefathers never had to deal with this shit.

“I said HALF-skinny mocha latte!” he glowers at the barrista. Silently, I dispatch him with my Husqvarna. In the distance, a wolf howls.

I suppose “twitter” is onomatopoeic, like “fizzle” or “orgasm.”