Funny twitterers are funny. They write ‘em, I just shmoosh ‘em together.
- joseph_ocon: What’s the largest number of kittens a young man with a handful of misdemeanors can adopt at one time?
- joshcomers: “What the fuck?” (Henny Youngman’s wife, often)
- biorhythmist: How do you say “I want to make you pregnant” in Mexican? Kinda urgent thanks.
Making An Impression
- joshcomers: Tried to impress the girls at clown college by stuffing my shoes with tissue paper.
- fireland: Do you like my belt buckle that says SLIPPERY WHEN WET? Well do you like me? As a person? I got lots of facets. I do pilates. I know HTML.
- michael_hester: I can open drawers with my feet really well so I’m pretty good at impressing women.
- mrdavehill: If the woman next to me on this bus knew how many farts I’ve held in on this trip she’d be like “How cool of him. I wonder if he’s single.”
- DoubleBerg426: Don’t underestimate a blind woman slowly chewing a pickle.
- brentcetera: I’m getting no love from the women in my office even though I wore my best ‘Put Your Kisser On My Pisser’ t-shirt today.
- STACEYNIGHTMARE: I hope showing your underboob never becomes popular because I don’t want to have to shave there.
- markleggett: I keep having dreams where I show up to school naked. Might stem from when I showed up to school naked. “You are a bad teacher.” they said.
- mrdavehill: I knew this guy in high school who had underarms that smelled like shit. We used to call him Shit Pits. He was from out of town.
- shelbyfero: Our high school puts on a fun senior fashion show every year for relatives and the local pedophiles.
- bridger_w: Not to brag, but I still fit into the same tax bracket I did in high school.
- michael_hester: Dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything. ANYTHING.
- shelbyfero: My dog never lets me be the little spoon.
- shelbyfero: Pets are like a snooze button for your ovaries.
- nanoblossom: Either my cat thinks my name is Raoul, or he is not learning to talk.
- nanoblossom: My conversations with my cat are pretty much all just reenactments of dialogue between Han and Chewbacca. He is a fucking nerd.
The Power Of Music
- Puddinstrip: if there’s a knock on your door and it’s a girl scout selling cookies, put on side two of Led Zeppelin IV.
- RedEaredRabbit: So we’re all meeting tomorrow at 9am at Tory HQ with our bassoons. We’ll be playing “You are Twats” by Beethoven. I will do the breakdancing
- SheBanggs: I never remember pulling one arm inside my shirt to air drum to a Def Leppard song until I see the pictures sent with my red light ticket.
- shelbyfero: What’s the best song to lie about losing your virginity to?
What’s On TV
- KaseyAnderson: I’m trying to make my kitchen more like the ones I see on the Food Network, so I filled it with insufferable assholes.
- yesquite: You know, if Captain Stubing lost the bow tie, I might have let him smell my feet in between canasta rounds.
Dave Hill: Guitarist, Sartorialist
- mrdavehill: There’s almost nothing I can’t do in my new underpants. Except for maybe just sitting there in my neighborhood playground. The cops hate it!
- mrdavehill: The butt part of my jeans smells exactly like a butt. Gross. Now what do I do?
- mrdavehill: In Old Navy. Some guy just asked me if I work here. Right- like Old Navy employees are allowed to dress entirely in velvet.
Notes Of Finality
- cravenheart: One never knows when one will have sex for the final time but in my case I really hope it’s not July 12 2009.
- fart: Your shoes are always in the last place you look. (Sex Dungeon)
- yesquite: Was briefly ecstatic when noticing how quickly Fridays come these days. Then remembered, oh yeah, death.
Don’t Do It
- sucittaM: I don’t find your “urinating on the bus” jokes funny. Both my parents drowned in urine on a bus.
- fleshcake: It’s a crime not to own a xylophone if you’ve got two dicks.
- nanoblossom: No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.
- brentcetera: Panic. My heart races. I look around. I’m alone, for now. If I’m going to put the last donut in my pants, the time is now.
- DoubleBerg426: If you tell your imaginary fiance to “Make me a sandwich now!” and then you remember she’s real, you’re still not getting a sandwich.
- thedayhascome: I would rather receive fellatio while eating endless stacks of pancakes than listen to Kim Kardashian’s new single.
- jacobshoaf: My favorite sexual favors: sexually helping a friend move, sexually helping old ladies cross streets, sexually holding doors for people…
The Painful Truth
- meganamram: Opinions are like assholes: I once saw my uncle’s.
- sween: My wife told me size doesn’t matter. Then she played with her wedding ring for a while. She’s having a bath now.
- robdelaney: I know I’ll be a good dad because I already dress like a fucking idiot.
- shelbyfero: If anyone needs obvious things pointed out to them my grandma is free most afternoons.
- sucittaM: I really like you, but I also really like when new socks get those little fuzz balls between my toes, so don’t let it go to your head.
- biorhythmist: I wouldn’t call myself “stylish” or “sophisticated” or “continent.”