Matt “@biorhythmist” Watson is one of the best on twitter. Here are eight things you should know about him.
He Should Be A Motivational Speaker
- I stare at this drawer full of restaurant flyers and still can’t decide between Chinese take-out and crippling alcoholism.
- I just wrote “HELP” on my chest in cheeto dust. I would like to get off the couch at some point today
- The corner store started carrying Ben & Jerry’s Crème Brûlée ice cream so if anybody needs me I’ll be fat.
- Narcolepsy combines my love of naps wi
- You never really plan on poop-crying, it just sort of happens.
He Is Open About Himself
- Gosh darn it am I terrible at blasphemy.
- I gave up racist Asian stereotype landlord jokes for Lent.
- I miss my mom. Mostly because I feel silly clapping all by myself when I make a good poop.
He Is A Student Of Life
- Today I learned that a mom with a nice ass pushing a stroller is called a “nanny.”
- These babies are not very absorbent.
- These so-called blues singers sure do like to talk about how much intercourse they’re having.
- I don’t think the French make lemonade from real mons.
- Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel.
- Expect the unexPTERODACTYL DANCE TROUPE
Sometimes Unusual Things Happen In His Pants
- It turns out that being in the blind spot of a bus that is changing lanes on the freeway is the best way to get poop right into your pants.
- Yoga for me is a constant struggle between embarrassing tumescence and flatulent narcolepsy.
- Okay, fine. I’m never shaving it again. Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.
He Is Not So Smooth With The Ladies
- Reading up on feminism so this chick will let me put my dude piston in her ham wallet.
- What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all “kind of busy” or “what is your problem” or “this is a pottery class, sir.”
- When life hands you melons, it could be dyslexia or yes of course your eyes are up there I’m sorry what was I saying
- Just watched an older lady DESTROY a pub cheeseburger. I may need to adjust the upper bound on my match.com searches.
He Does The Nerd Thing Very Well
- Does this this pointer make me look Bjarne Stroustrupy?
- Ke$ha had to change her name to Ke\$ha after a tragic shell script accident.
- See, I named my new color inkjet Seurat because he died after being thrown out a window when his goddamn fucking drivers wouldn’t install.
He Is Free With His Opinions
- They should just draw a fart on the car A/C “recirculate” button.
- Wet naps, people! When you eat a bunch of chicken wings it doesn’t have to look like you just delivered a baby calf.
- Eating Ethiopian food just seems kind of mean.
- Man, some of you people give out more stars in a day than my third grade teacher Mrs. Nussbaum handed out during the entire Holocaust.
He Tends To Get Himself Into Trouble
- Can someone explain to me how to rinse out a measuring spoon without it splashing all over my shirt also math
- Either this girl just said her name was “Goulash” or one of us is having a stroke.
- Turns out that “Deepak Chopra” is a really bad safeword so that’s why I’m walking like a cowboy.
- I’m not ashamed to admit that I prefer peeing sitting down. Everybody else in this meeting seems to have a problem with it though.
- At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a “flavor-saver” so I made a your mom joke and that’s how grandma got the ambulance ride.
- Man, that pony did *not* want to be wrapped.