February 2012
1 post
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
4 posts
Oh Leaves, how you've changed.
sydneydraws:
August 2011
3 posts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pOl8MlVveA&feature=... →
Evil.
2 tags
2 tags
July 2011
2 posts
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Me: I can't do this anymore.
Mayonnaise: What? What are you talking about?
Me: Come on. The writing has been on the wall for a while now. You can't tell me you haven't noticed that I've been eating sandwiches without you for several weeks.
Mayonnaise: I thought maybe you just needed some space.
Me: At first, I thought that was the case too, but it's clear to me now that this is not working.
Mayonnaise: This is just really sudden. I mean, this came out of nowhere.
Me: That's not true and you know it. Remember how you were ALL OVER that turkey sandwich from Gelson's three weeks ago and I couldn't even finish it? Couldn't even finish.
Mayonnaise: One time! That's one time. We've had some really great sandwiches.
Me: It's not just one time. Two or three times a week in Bellingham, I'd leave half an Avenue Bread turkey sandwich uneaten because you drenched the bread with your thick, greasy glops of oily eggstuff. It was disgusting.
Mayonnaise: Did you ever think that maybe it was the turkey? That seems to be a common thread here. Turkey this, turkey that. You're fucking obsessed with turkey.
Me: Turkey is not the issue. You ruined a perfectly good French Dip four days ago. You have no business whatsoever showing up unannounced on a French Dip but, there you were. Because I can't have ONE THING that's just for me.
Mayonnaise: So, what? It's mustard now? You're going to end up with mustard? Jesus.
Me: Yeah, I've been having more mustard lately. You know that. I know you know that. So, yes. Mustard. Maybe aioli from time to ti--
Mayonnaise: AIOLI?! Fuck you. I can be aioli. You never gave me a chance to be aioli. I could have been anything you wanted me to be but you're too goddamn stubborn and lazy to give something new a try, so I just kept lying there, underneath mounds of turkey, bored and unsatisfied.
Me: Oh now YOU'RE bored and unsatisfied? That's fine. It sounds like this is best for both of us, then. Go be aioli. Go be somebody else's aioli.
Mayonnaise: Fuck you.
Me: Fuck you.
Mayonnaise: I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry.
Me: I'm sorry too. This is hard. This will be hard for both of us, but it's the right thing. You know that, right?
Mayonnaise: Yeah. Yes. Things have been bad for a while.
Me: They have. But we'll figure it out. We'll see each other around. I'll see you on other sandwiches.
Mayonnaise: I don't even want to think about other sandwiches right now.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just hungry.
Mayonnaise: You always are. There's some bread and turkey around. Maybe we could...
Me: I don't think that would be fair to either one of us.
Mayonnaise: There's avocado.
Me: I know. We've involved avocado for years and, every time we do, I end up focusing on the avocado and things get messy. I don't want that anymore.
Mayonnaise: Okay. You're right. So, I guess, goodbye?
Me: Yeah. Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, okay? I never meant for it to be this way, I just... things change, y'know? People change?
Mayonnaise: I think we're both above those cliches. The relationship ran its course. It happens.
Me: You're right. I'm sorry. Hey, remember that week during my freshman year when we made tuna sandwiches every day for, like, three weeks? Sometimes two or three times a day?
Mayonnaise: Don't. Don't do that.
Me: Sorry.
Mayonnaise: It's fine. I should go.
Me: Okay. I'll see you around, I guess.
Mayonnaise: I guess. Goodbye.
Me: Bye.
June 2011
2 posts
May 2011
1 post
March 2011
24 posts
I will do the breakdancing
Funny twitterers are funny. They write ‘em, I just shmoosh ‘em together.
-Rob
Questions
joseph_ocon: What’s the largest number of kittens a young man with a handful of misdemeanors can adopt at one time?
joshcomers: “What the fuck?” (Henny Youngman’s wife, often)
biorhythmist: How do you say “I want to make you pregnant” in Mexican? Kinda urgent thanks.
...
Sadly.
I’m so neurotic a Jewish comedian just asked for my therapist’s number.
So.
This career makes baby Evel Knievel cry.
But there should be.
My wife of 11 years used the last of the coffee cream and now my stupid lawyer says there’s no such thing as a retroactive pre-nup.
What I'd rather be watching
Pool Of Blood: America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Director’s Cut
Just Like Dylan Thomas
Donut, go gentle into this good nightowl.
Badum-boom, take 2
I just flew in from Nicaragua and boy are my arms illegal.
Strategy
I’m not above unzipping this fleece sweater-vest a little to get the upper hand in dealings with my female colleagues.
Badum-boom
The thought that medical science will soon be able to perform dog-to-human limb transplants gives me pause.
It was worth a try
I’m bringing Sexy back. My wife won’t let me keep her.
Preference, redux
I’d rather have a pot of coffee in front of me than a botched frontier colostomy.
Stylin'
Your mullet is nice and all, but nothing says “business in the front, party in the back” like my pleated gabardine assless chaps.
Twelve Things About Shelby Fero
You know who’s funny? Shelby Fero. Here are some of her tweets.
You can find more Shelbyisms on twitter and here on tumblr.
-Rob
She’s Just Your Typical Seventeen-Year-Old Kid
The HARDEST part about being a teenager? Probably having to sigh a second time when the first was too quiet.
Oh man I hate doing the dishes! Now back to my own room to sit on my queen size bed and watch tv...
Lookin' good
Little details can really make an outfit pop. For example, note how my “Who Farted?” hat matches my “Fuel Tank For A Sex Machine” t-shirt.
My plan
I’m gonna get “Rob’s Bicep” tattooed on my mom.
It's hard, being me
My murse just fell off my credenza, contents spilling everywhere. My forefathers never had to deal with this shit.
Weeding
“I said HALF-skinny mocha latte!” he glowers at the barrista. Silently, I dispatch him with my Husqvarna. In the distance, a wolf howls.
Etymology
I suppose “twitter” is onomatopoeic, like “fizzle” or “orgasm.”
Preference
I would rather get clubbed out on the drag scene than dragged out on the club scene.
Thinking ahead...
Maybe if I start using a decent hand moisturizer, all these sexual harrassment complaints will become sexual harrassment *compliments*.
Eleven years in...
Wife: “We need another woman in this relationship…”
Me: “Awesome!”
Wife: “…to do the housework.”
Me: “Even better!”
We're all the same.
It’s funny how we all have the same stress dreams, like suddenly being naked in class or suffering a rectal prolapse at Kinko’s.
February 2011
7 posts
Eight Things You Should Know About biorhythmist
Matt “@biorhythmist” Watson is one of the best on twitter. Here are eight things you should know about him.
He Should Be A Motivational Speaker
I stare at this drawer full of restaurant flyers and still can’t decide between Chinese take-out and crippling alcoholism.
I just wrote “HELP” on my chest in cheeto dust. I would like to get off the couch at some point...
Tootbatch: Soup Of The Year
Hey kids,
More silliness from twitter. Enjoy.
Oh, and be forewarned: Herein lies filth.
-Rob
Creepy Love
markleggett: When women see me for the first time, they often ask “Hey, what’s your secret?”, and I always reply “I spiked your drink about an hour ago.” aedison: If I’m such a “stalker”, then how come I’m killing all your...
“Everybody should do some music. Every creature and every material has the music...”
– Erkan Oğur
Fourteen Things About Rob Delaney
Gentlefolk, I’ve been following Rob Delaney on twitter for a couple years now and my geeky little faves-collector script has amassed a frightening amount of his tweets. So much happy filth, in fact, that I thought I needed to do something with it all. And with that, here are fourteen things you should know about Rob Delaney. Enjoy. Or cringe, or whatever.
-Rob ps: He’s also got...
January 2011
4 posts
Hello. HI!: Made By American Child vs. Made By... →
jasonmustian:
LORD JESUS!
Wonder which one of these is going to make its way to the table during a dinner party? The one with the glossy finish that matches my napkins or the piece of shit that’s more than likely to spark the kind of seizures that culminate in people (my guests in this instance) …